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Henley On Thames

Ask Alice

Your personal, emotional and sexual problems answered by our resident agony aunt, Alice

Dear Worried Of Wokingham  Your penchant for flapjacks and underwear from the Bulgarian Women’s Army Surplus are just your husband’s excuse.   Someone should take your husband to one side and explain that as men get older they just can’t do all the manly duty things they once could, and getting down/putting back a heavy 1970’s loft ladder is just one of them. Get a more modern, lighter Youngmans loft ladder installed that is easier to push up and get down and you will see a change in your husband’s performance for the better.              Best Wishes Alice
Dear Concerned of Cookham When you bought your house, didn’t you read the EPC (Energy Performance Certificate)? Don’t tell me, you’re waiting till they make the film. If you had read it you will have seen that the surveyor has noted your loft as NAI, or Naff All Insulation. Added to that the fact that your bedroom has no double glazing and two outside walls and it’s no surprise that your wife is literally frigid: it’s simply a question of temperature. Get a decent new loft ladder fitted so you can get your loft insulated properly and your wife should warm up a bit, although frankly that Henry The Hoover waist tattoo isn’t doing you any favours. best wishes Alice
Dear Alice  I was married to my husband very happily for many years until he died last year. With difficulty I ventured into the loft and I was horrified to find a large number of his specialist magazines. They were absolutely filthy, I was quite disgusted.  I came down feeling quite grubby and had to wash my hands several times. I always thought he loved me, but now I’m not so sure. Was I so wrong?  Morose Marlow
Dear Morose of Marlow We all need an escape from the everyday pressures of life. Some of us choose a bottle of Vodka a day, class A drugs or in extreme cases wall to wall Masterchef The Professionals, Masterchef The Sweeney, Masterchef The Bill, and Midsomer Masterchef. Your husband was no different in wanting to escape to his fantasy world. Reading back issues of The Railway Modeller isn’t illegal and hasn’t been since it was decriminalised Late December Back In ’63. The reason his magazines are covered in thick layers of dirt is because your roof has no lining under the tiles and dirt from the street gets blown in . Get a loft ladder fitted so the loft can be lined on the inside and your loft items will stay cleaner longer. Don’t worry, your husband is missed by many and by all accounts was a delightfully warm, loving, and passionate man with a wicked sense of humour and would never have left you:- despite promising me faithfully on numerous occasions that he would. kind regards Alice

Dear Alice  Despite many happily married years, I was horrified when I opened the freezer recently to get a packet of oven-ready potatoes. I find that you are not at all  “Alice”, but are in fact Aunt Bessie, a cartoon fronts-woman for a range of Potato-based frozen foods.   I hardly think this qualifies you to dispense any kind of advice on peoples’ problems, however homely and well intentioned it may be. I think I full disclosure is required of exactly how many (apple) pies you have a finger in.  Bothered  Bracknell
Dear Bothered of Bracknell (or should I call you Sheila Walley of 56 Acacia Avenue Reading RG2 3AB), I really feel that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones: in your work at The Treasury as I recall you have successfully managed to predict 9 of the last 5 recessions, not a record to be proud of. I see no conflict with my other jobs as I bring valuable experience to a wide range of disciplines. Despite what you may have read in the papers I have in fact had a substantial input to the Potato Handling (Safety At Work) bill and before you ask, the Parliamentary Standards Committee also has found no problem whatsoever with the awarding of a £36m PPE contract to an obscure loft ladder installation company with an I.T. department run by cats. There is such a thing as coincidence you know. In any case, you needn’t be troubled any more as I have decided to leave the cruel world of Agony Auntism, to spend more time with my family. Anyone for a baked potato? Yours Alice
Dear Alice After many years of happy marriage, my husband now has difficulty getting it up, and even when he does it seems to come down in a bit of a rush. He blames me but I’m sure it’s not all my fault. What can I do? Worried,  Wokingham Dear Alice  Despite many happy years of marriage, since moving to our new house, relations in the bedroom department have become somewhat frosty.  My wife has taken to either wearing impenetrable flannelette pyjamas from the M&S PassionKiller range or a shapeless full length tee-shirt with snoopy on the front and wrapping up in the 13.5 tog duvet like a sausage roll. What can I do to rekindle the passion?  Concerned,  Cookham Dear Alice  After being with my girlfriend for several happy years, things are getting serious and we have now seen each other twice in real life.   The other day she sent me a somewhat weird text, asking if I had a long stiff pole and if so could I send her a picture of it. This was not the bit that worried me, its pretty  normal these days, but what did alarm me was it was for her mother, an attractive 40  something divorcée. I was rather upset, there was like no trigger warning or anything and I feel this could be classed as harassment from her mother.  Should I not send a photo and upset the mother, or send it and upset my girlfriend?  In a Dilemma,  Didcot.
Dear Dilemma Of Didcot Oh my, how things have changed. In my day young men like yourself were only too happy for the attentions of an older woman to lend a Helping Hand, and indeed many of the ‘95 First XI still keep in touch after all these years. I know it may now be considered harassment, but in any case you need not be worried, you have the wrong end of the stick, so to speak. It was a combination of your girlfriend’s sloppy texting and the auto-correct on her phone. It turns out her mother was in fact after a long loft pole, Youngmans part no. 03408600. If you have one she could borrow to get into the loft, you could offer to pop it round one afternoon when your girlfriend is out. If the mother answers the door in a toweling dressing gown at 3pm, you may however have to reassess the situation. Take that as your trigger warning. Best wishes Alice

Always here for you

0788 44 71 232

Rated on Google & Trustpilot

Ask Alice

Your personal, emotional and

sexual problems answered by

our resident agony aunt,

Alice

Dear Worried Of Wokingham  Your penchant for flapjacks and underwear from the Bulgarian Women’s Army Surplus are just your husband’s excuse.   Someone should take your husband to one side and explain that as men get older they just can’t do all the manly duty things they once could, and getting down/putting back a heavy 1970’s loft ladder is one of them. Get a more modern, lighter loft ladder installed that is easier to push up and get down and you will see a change in your husband’s performance for the better.              Kindest regards Alice
Dear Concerned of Cookham When you bought your house, didn’t you read the EPC (Energy Performance Certificate)? Don’t tell me, you’re waiting till they make the film. If you had read it you will have seen that the surveyor has noted your loft as NAI, or Naff All Insulation. Added to that the fact that your bedroom has no double glazing and two outside walls and it’s no surprise that your wife is literally frigid: it’s simply a question of temperature. Get a decent new loft ladder fitted so you can get your loft insulated properly and your wife should warm up a bit, although frankly that zz-top beard and the Henry The Hoover waist tattoo aren’t doing you any favours. best wishes Alice
Dear Alice I was married to my husband very happily for many years until he died last year. With difficulty I ventured into the loft and I was horrified to find a large number of his specialist magazines. They were absolutely filthy, I was quite disgusted.  I came down feeling rather grubby and had to wash my hands several times to feel clean. I always thought he loved me, but now I’m not so sure. Was I so wrong? Morose   Marlow
Dear Morose of Marlow We all need an escape from the everyday pressures of life. Some of us choose a bottle of Vodka a day, class A drugs or in extreme cases wall to wall I’m A Celebrity Masterbaker, Masterchef The Professionals, Masterchef The Sweeney, Masterchef The Bill, and Midsomer Masterchef. Your husband was no different in wanting to escape to his fantasy world. Reading back issues of The Railway Modeller isn’t illegal and hasn’t been since it was decriminalised Late December Back In ’63. The reason his magazines are covered in thick layers of dirt is because your roof has no lining under the tiles and dirt from the street gets blown in . Get a loft ladder fitted so the loft can be lined on the inside and your loft items will stay cleaner longer. Don’t worry, by all accounts your husband was a delightfully warm, loving, and passionate man with a wicked sense of humour that will be sadly missed by many. Rest assured he would never have left you - despite promising me faithfully on numerous occasions that he would. kindest regards Alice

Dear Alice  Despite many happily married years, I was horrified when I opened the freezer recently to get a packet of oven-ready potatoes. I find that you are not at all  “Alice”, but are in fact Aunt Bessie, a cartoon fronts-woman for a range of Potato-based frozen foods.   I hardly think this qualifies you to dispense any kind of advice on peoples’ problems, however homely and well intentioned it may be. I think I full disclosure is required of exactly how many pies you have a finger in.  I remain Bothered  Bracknell Dear Alice After many years of happy marriage, my husband now has difficulty getting it up, and even when he does it seems to come down in a bit of a rush. He blames me but I’m sure it’s not all my fault. What can I do? Worried,  Wokingham Dear Alice  Despite many happy years of marriage, since moving to our new house, relations in the bedroom department have become somewhat frosty.  My wife has taken to either wearing impenetrable M&S flannelette pajamas or a shapeless full length T-shirt with Snoopy on the front and wrapping up in the 13.5 tog duvet like a sausage roll. What can I do to rekindle the passion?  Concerned,  Cookham
Dear Bothered of Bracknell (or should I call you Sheila Walley of 56 Acacia Avenue Reading RG2 3AB), I really feel that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones: in your work at The Treasury as I recall you have successfully managed to predict 9 of the last 5 recessions, not a record to be proud of. I see no conflict with my other jobs as I bring valuable experience to a wide range of disciplines. Despite what you may have read in the papers I have in fact had a substantial input to the Potato Handling (Safety At Work) bill, and before you ask, the Parliamentary Standards Committee has found no problem whatsoever with the awarding of a £36m PPE contract to an obscure loft ladder installation company with an I.T. department run by cats. There is such a thing as coincidence you know. In any case, you needn’t be troubled any more as I have decided to leave the cruel world of Agony Auntism, to spend more time with my family. Anyone for a baked potato? Yours Alice

Henley On Thames

Dear Alice  After being with my girlfriend for several happy years, things are getting serious and we have now seen each other twice in real life.   The other day she like sent me a weird text, asking if I had a long stiff pole and if so could I send her a picture of it. This was not the bit that worried me, its pretty  normal these days, but what did alarm me was that it was for her mother, an attractive 40 something divorcée. I was rather upset, there was like no trigger warning or anything and I feel this could be classed as harassment from her mother.  Should I not send a photo and upset the mother, or send it and upset my girlfriend?  In a Dilemma,  Didcot.
Dear Dilemma Of Didcot Oh my, how things have changed. In my day young men like yourself were only too happy for the attentions of an older woman to lend a Helping Hand, and indeed many of the ‘95 First XI still keep in touch after all these years. I know it may now be considered harassment, but in any case you need not be worried, you have the wrong end of the stick, so to speak. It was a combination of your girlfriend’s sloppy texting and the auto-correct on her phone. It turns out her mother was in fact after a long loft pole, Youngmans part no. 03408600. If you have one she could borrow to get into the loft, you could offer to pop it round one afternoon when your girlfriend is out. If the mother answers the door in a toweling dressing gown at 3pm, you may however have to reassess the situation. Take that as your trigger warning. Best wishes Alice